The "YOU" in my life...

My tears run down like razorblades and no,
I'm not the one to blame,
it's you
or is it me?
And all the words we never say come out and now we are all ashamed
And there is no sense in playing games,
when you done all you can do.

I lose myself in all these fights;
I lose my sense of wrong and right.
I cry... I cry...
I'm shaking from the pain that's in my head.
I just want to crawl into my bed and throw away
The life that I led.
But I won't let it die.

But it's over... it's over...
Why is it over?
We had the chance to make it.
Now it's over... It's over...
It can't be over.
I wish that I could take it back.

It's not over... It's not over...
it's never over
unless you let it take you
It's not over... It's not over...
unless you let it break you.
It's not over.

**********************************************************

This is for you...

I know you probably wont get to read this, emotions and feelings overwhelms me and i juz need to let it out. You never wanted to listen. Never. So if you're reading this, i hope you do with an open heart. All you talk about is respect these days, but i really dont see any coming from you. You may say i do not respect you and i can never change the way you think. No one can. And maybe thats the person you are. I will never change in your eyes. The one person whom i respect the most, turns around and stab me rite infront of my eyes. The worst of it all is that being who you are in my life, you think it gives you the rite to treat me that way. The pits of my frustrations lies in how you could demean, debase and mortify my campanions in which i rest all my pain and despair of this worldly circumstance. The answer is no. You own no right to decide and opt with whom i may find leisure with. As rebelious as you may think i am, i tried running around the field of your commands and demands. Profusely as you keep on gripping the cuffs on my wrist tighter, I fall harder to the ground, no matter how loud i may scream, all that you hear is a silent cry fading out and blending in with the pouring of your grave inequanimity.

You are so stubborn!! You dont even want to listen to what i have to say!! And then you have the nerve to ask me why am i so unhappy? Are you so blinded by your own ignorance that you dont even see you're the cause of it. Call me arrogant, call me disrespectful, call me the apple that has fallen far from the tree, call me anything you want, you dont even know me to begin with. You dont even try. For everything in my life i just feel like you wont accept. Your world is so different from mine, we will never be on the same page. Therefore you wont know how i lead my life, how i am so damn bloody good in my studies now, the bloody big role i play in my waking hours, how much i've change over the years, even how much i've been doing for you and you alone. It's never gonna be enough for you because all you do is assume the worst of me based only on your own assumptions especially when all you think of me as a worthless piece of crap, a burden to you and to many, and later you get mad for no reason at all! And when you do, it's always your way. Your word is always the last to be said, the dot ends on your account. The truth is never gonna be revealed in the course of your anger and your temper. A bad humour like yours, nothing will!

You are stirring me to every direction in my life. Beyond nurturing and shaping the person i am, building me brick by brick having the one in me locked up, unknown and imprisoned. I no longer am who i am, I cannot be that person. For you are designing every aspect of my life as you want it to be thus not of my own. Let there be a weak structure, let there be a misplaced stone, a loose skrew, worry not for you have built me a strong foundation, a base for me to turn to, to rest my anguish, to build a structure of my own. You need not interfere nor worry with the length and width, for your foundation is strong to support whatever i will produce upon it. Leave it be, and i assure you, my life will be a constitution for many to follow. A marvel for by your own hard work and exertion in which i based it upon.

I know i have made a mess of things in the pass. But who doesnt? I am sure another blunder of me will soon take its place. That is life. and im dealing with it. Why arent you? If only you can just let the past go. I was young and idiotically fooled by the circumstance of being a mere teenager running thru that phase. Just close the door to the past, lock it and throw away the key. Reoccuring and reliving it would only cause more intensity and displeasure for all. So will it be if you keep placing the faults on me. You somehow link every thing bad thats been happening in your life to me as tho im the cause of it. At the same time, you want what's best for me, i get that. But it wouldnt be ample of life if you keep it from happening to me. Let me get hurt, let my heart get torn apart, let me fall off the bike, let life's bad times come over me. I will learn to pick myself up and get back on the bike, i will learn that no matter what, my heart will always have you in it, and i will learn, that life has it's good times as well.

Rest your faith in me, do not be doubtful and just leave me be. I screech of independence, freedom from your grip. Let me make my own mistakes and learn the lesson of life's unfolding experience as my coming to the bridge, i shall cross it by my own. Rather that than letting me make your mistakes in my life. I am not boosting, nor am i arrogantly asking you of this, it is something i feel i have to do. If only it is in your approval and grace.

This time of my life only come around once. Is it too much to ask that i live it for myself? I know that i have responsibilities and obligations to keep up with. But it cant be just me doing everything. We have to come to an understanding and compromise. We give and we take. Im tired of being the one constantly giving and having my neck on the line. In that, you can call me calculative... Calculatively wanting to have my own time by myself with my friends. Outside influences is never the question, you can blame others for me acting like this, but in reality, im doing this on my own account. This is me. The me which you dont know exist. I will change only for the better. If i somehow fall short, i will change. But i will always be ME for I am Who i am... And nobody can change that. Not you, not anyone.

You yourself require a change of character as well. The way you treat me all this while shouldnt be. If you're willing, start by listening to me and what i have to say. Then only can our bond be stronger. I have my own voice too, the little voice which you have close your ears and worst still your heart against. Listen to it with an open heart and close the ears of ignorance..

If you're looking for a change, start now.

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I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along.